Pregnancy & Baby Index: Experts and Columnists: Ann Douglas: Pregnancy: 10 Things no one tells you about having a baby
10 Things no one tells you about having a baby
Ann Douglas
Wondering what your friends haven't told you about labor and delivery? Here are ten things they may not think to mention, but that you definitely need to know.
1. If you wait for every possible labor symptom to kick in before
heading off to labor and delivery, you'll end up giving birth on your
bathroom floor. While you may be afraid of embarrassing yourself by
showing up at the hospital in false labor, you'll look even more foolish if you
end up giving birth on the side of the highway in the middle of rush hour.
2. There's no such thing as a one-size-fits-all labor. You could end up
with one of those long, drawn-out labors that everyone that in your life
seems to delight in telling you about -- or could find yourself with one of
those speedy deliveries that's bound to make you the envy of your prenatal
class buddies.
3. Your birth plan isn't necessarily a blueprint for the actual delivery.
Just as men seem to think it's a personal failing to look at a roadmap while
they're driving, some babies seem determined to ignore the birth plans that
their mommies have so carefully drafted. Bottom line? Your birth plan is a
wish list, not a legal document.
4. Pregnancy books are big on euphemisms. This point was hammered
home for me by one of the moms I interviewed for The Mother of All Pregnancy Books: "You know how the pregnancy books all describe the 'slight
burning sensation' that you're supposed to experience when the baby's head
begins to crown?" she told me. "Well, it's like a f*&#-ing blowtorch!"
5. You may not feel like bonding with your partner while you're in labor.
Rather than being tempted to whisper sweet nothings in his ear, as those
women in the birthing films all seem to do, you may want to kick his sorry butt
out of the birthing room altogether. After all, he's the one who got you in this
predicament in the first place!
6. You may not fall head-over-heels in love with your new baby right
away. The fact that you'd rather take a nap than spend a lot of time oohing and
ahhing over the new arrival does not automatically mean you've blown your
nomination for Mother of the Year.
7. The blood clots you pass during the first few hours after the delivery
could be the size of small lemons. If your mother compares the bleeding
that you'll experience after the delivery to "a heavy menstrual period," she may
have forgotten a few of the details about her own birth experiences. (Give her a
break. It's been a few years!)
8. You may experience some nipple tenderness during the first few days of
breastfeeding -- even if you're doing everything right. As any experienced
nursing mother can tell you, it takes a little time to break your equipment in.
(Aren't you glad that Mother Nature had the foresight to equip you with a spare?)
9. You'll be slimmer after the delivery, but you won't be skinny. As a rule
of thumb, you can expect to look about five months pregnant after you deliver --
a whole lot slimmer than you've looked in the recent past, but not quite slim
enough to be mistaken for a supermodel the first time you hit the grocery
store.
10. The real "labor" begins after you give birth. For some reason, friends with
older kids invariably forget to tell you about those middle-of-the-night feedings
and marathon crying sessions when they are telling you about how much fun
you'll have when your new baby arrives on the scene. While those first few
weeks of parenthood can be an emotional rollercoaster ride for even the most
caring and committed parent, they do get better over time. You just have to
make it through "boot camp" -- the first few weeks postpartum -- first!