Pregnancy & Baby Index: Parenting Toddlers: Imaginary playfriends
Imaginary playfriends
Mimi O'Malley
Does your child have an imaginary friend? Find out the mysteries behind this interesting creation.
Creating relationships
Karen remarked when her now 15-year old son was four,
he had a stuffed monkey named Danny, which he started to carry around with
him. He pretended Danny was his real brother. "We went for a walk in our
neighborhood, with Danny strapped into the stroller. Some people came up
behind us ,of course, assuming there was a baby in our stroller. My son
told them, 'We're taking my brother for a walk.' You should have seen their
faces when they came to the front of the stroller and saw a stuffed monkey
instead of a baby! Guess what we named our No. 2 son when he came along a
few years later --Danny!"
The reasons kids create these creative playfriends are as different
as the names they give them: Flower, Guppy, Tim or Lydia, just to name a few
"notables". During the preschool years, your child's play is evolving beyond
simple imitation. Sometimes children will use these imaginary figures to
create a parent-child relationship. You can see it when they initiate
conversation with their doll, change the tone of their voice, or reprimand
their "friend" when he/she has become disobedient.
This pretend play also helps a child deal with a confusing or
unfamiliar situation. One mother was anxious to know when her
six year-old son's imaginary friend, a red plastic phone, would "disappear."
Hoping this "phase" would pass when he started kindergarten, the red plastic
phone still serves as a best friend, which maybe useful for a kindergartner.
In other situations, these invisible friends may be a scapegoat or
another attempt to get adult attention. Britain's Princess Margaret is said
to have used her imaginary companion to avoid blame. Whenever she was
confronted by her nanny about having done something wrong, she would place
blame on "Cousin Halifax."
Though not all children create imaginary playfriends, why is there a
negative stereotype about children who do? Marjorie Taylor, author of
Imaginary Companions and The Children Who Create Them (Oxford University
Press Inc. 1999) believes one of the earliest papers published on imaginary
friends described the children who created them as tending to have a
"nervous temperament." Another researcher reported that children with
imaginary friends (ages 3 to 16) were described by their parents as having some
type of personality problem. After reviewing earlier studies, Taylor
believes the studies were flawed; researchers tended to recruit for their
studies children who were particularly likely to have emotional or
behavioral problems.
Taylor's research debunks some widespread myths about children who
create these create playfriends. One such debunked myth is parents with
children having imaginary playfriends rated their children as less shy than
parents whose children did not have imaginary companions. "Comparisons of
children with and without imaginary friends suggest that children who have
pretend friends are better able to focus their attention than other
children," concludes Taylor. What is still inconclusive is whether children
with imaginary playfriends are more or less intelligent or creative than
children without imaginary playfriends.
Though most kids abandon their creative playmates theoretically by
the time they reach school age, Marilyn Segal, PhD and Don Adcock, PhD,
authors of Your Child At Play: Three to Five Years (Newmarket Press,1986) offer a few positive tips for parents of children with imaginary playfriends in their book:
Treat your child's "friend" as a valued member of the family -- learn
to address your child's "friend" as a way to enhance communication with your
child.
Avoid overloading your child with stuffed animals or dolls -- harder
for your child to build up a close attachment if their "family" is too
large.
Never underestimate the role an imaginary playfriend can be toward
resolving problems -- can be a useful role-playing tool overcoming concerns
over babysitters, school, etc.
Though not all children give up their special companions in the
preschool years, this type of fantasy play may go underground during the
'tween years. It is not uncommon for imaginary friends popping up for the
first time in early adolescence and persist into adulthood. As children get
older, the simplistic imaginary friend evolves to become an adult imaginary
"world" or fantasy life.
Sometimes, our childhood imaginary friends even
creeped back into our adult lives. Dovima, one of the top models of the
1950s, was actually Dorothy Virginia Margaret Juba. When she began
modeling, she adopted the name of her imaginary companion she invented as a
child when she was bedridden with rheumatic fever.
"In the absence of any other signs of psychological distress, an
imaginary companion, in and of itself, does not warrant concern," concludes
Taylor. "Relax and enjoy this positive sign of your child's active
imagination." Pretend playmates eventually disappear as real friends
appear. On the other hand, pretend behavior lets your child communicate his
feelings or handle difficult problems in a non-threatening way.
