Week 9 - Light at the end of the tunnel?
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I think I may be seeing light at the end of the tunnel of this first trimester blah stuff. I actually had energy today to finally shop for my husband's birthday. It was May 29th, so I'm slightly late, but I told him better late than never. I just couldn't get myself to the mall. Every time I'd get a baby-sitter I'd feel so tired I'd have to lie down and nap.
Today however, I headed out to find some pants that fit and to find his present. I accomplished both and felt really just so happy that my energy isn't wiped. Of course Neal's working tonight and I just finished dinner and am letting Jackson play before bath so by the time I get him to bed I may be feeling ready to crash myself.
I know it sounds ridiculous but I went into a maternity store today. Everything was just too dressy and too expensive and way to big looking so I passed. But two stores down was my favorite work out wear store called Lucy. I love their stuff and happened to find three pairs of capris length pants that have major drawstrings at the waist. I got by last time wearing a pair of pants like this through my entire pregnancy by wearing them below my waist. I'm hoping I'll be able to do the same this time. The added bonus would be they'd still fit even when I'm not pregnant.
I don't know if I wrote about this in weeks past, but why do my butt, hips and thighs have to gain weight too. I have a friend who once said, "I have to remember my butt isn't pregnant too." I tried to put a skirt on today and it got stuck below my butt. I know that isn't from my belly expanding, it's most likely because of my appetite expanding. My doctor says so kindly, "It's water weight." That could be partially true because I can't get my rings off already. In essence, I'm in trouble if I'm only nine weeks along and all of this is happening already.
But seriously, I'm starving all the time and if I don't eat I get nauseated. I know that sounds so contradictory, but it's the way it has been for me this pregnancy. One day in particular I woke at 5 a.m. feeling sick so to calm it down I went and ate a banana. Then at 7a.m. when Jackson woke up I was feeling hungry and a little nauseous so I ate a bowl of cereal. My husband let me go back to sleep until 9a.m. when I woke and ate the eggs and cheese Jackson wasn't eating. Then before we left at 10:30 I was feeling nauseous again so I ate a piece of pizza. Some nights I'll wind up eating three dinners. It's awful. I really think I'm doomed to gain a lot of weight this pregnancy. Good thing I know breastfeeding makes me burn it off really quickly. But it sure doesn't help at this moment with the thought of it being bathing suit season.
This week was pretty good. That nausea medicine, zocar I think it's called has really helped. I needed it because I worked a job on Tuesday from 2:30 until 11:30 and then edited all day the next day from 9:00 in the morning until 8:30 at night. I haven't told anyone I work for that I'm pregnant. I probably won't until I'm showing. I always fear people will think I'm not as capable and since I'm freelance they could choose not to call me. However, I really didn't like being gone all day like that. I had to leave before Jackson woke up and got home after he was in bed. I really felt like it wasn't worth it being gone all day like that, but at least it was a rare occasion and not something that happens weekly. That's why I opted to just freelance, because I want to primarily be a mom.
On Thursday it was our last day for our mommy and me group. We met at a park and each Mom had drawn a name to pack a surprise picnic for another mom and her child. It was fun. I got really lucky because the lady who drew my name used to be a chef before being a full-time mom. She made me an amazing Chinese pork dish with rolled up rice balls and sesame seeds and broccoli. I've actually been craving Chinese food a lot so it was sooooooo yummy. She also made oatmeal cookies and included vegetable chips and juice for Jackson. The other thing I must add is that on top of having a 21 month old she has a five week old. Boy I barely got my lunch together in time, I don't know how she did it. It made my day though.
I realized the other day that at this point I'm not feeling as excited about this pregnancy as I did last time. It's bugging me that I'm not. I guess it's because I'm worried about juggling two and Jackson feeling left out or neglected. I've been praying for these feelings to go away and to start feeling excited. I'm sure feeling sick and like a stuffed sausage most of the time isn't helping :). I also think it's because last time all I worried about was labor. I had no idea how hard it can be with a newborn. I know my experience with Jackson as a newborn was more difficult than some so my perspective may be off. But in general I'm feeling nervous about having a newborn and sleep being so messed up and Jackson waking from nightmares as well and temper tantrums from him and trying to get him to nap and him waking up the baby. I know I'm probably sounding like a big downer right now. But I decided I needed to look at these feelings and concerns. Maybe if I get them out on paper I'll be able to just accept that sometimes these things will happen, but all in all it's going to be great. Then maybe I'll be able to move on and start feeling excited. I feel guilty even admitting these feelings. But I'm guessing I'm probably not alone. It might help for me to talk to mom's of two to get their perspective. I think in general most people feel it's hard at first, but in the long run it's well worth it. That's what I'll have to keep in mind.
Well, I'm off to go get Jackson in the bath. Hope everyone is having a great week. Until next time,
Jackie
